Teaching myself to walk again

Have you noticed that when you take the time to walk, you notice so many more things than when you drive? A tree that has just covered itself in blossom like someone sprinkled breadcrumbs on it in the night, the new coat of paint your neighbours have just given their fence or, like today, a pair of sleeping ducks nestled beside a pond where normally  there are none. And what you don't see, you can't appreciate.

My life has been a series of milestones. It's the same for most people I guess. It has always been the next exams, the next school, the next promotion. Buy a house, get married, have children. It wasn't about the process but the end result and the quicker you get there the better.

This year is the first year of my life where I can remember having no set goal. Well, that's not true. My goals are to give Josh the best and happiest start in life that's possible for me to give, and for me to enjoy it. But noone is dictating how we get there. Each day that I get up I can judge how today we will accomplish those two ideals. And Josh isn't looking a year ahead to decide what he will be able to do. Each day he is reaching out and exploring the world and seeing what he can do. The moments I enjoy most are the ones where I'm watching him and he shows me a new trick that he's learnt.

Maybe I will only have the luxury of this time for one year but this one year is teaching me to walk, to slow down and enjoy the journey. If I let it all rush by I will miss all those amazing small moments. The funny thing is, I know it's a privilege and yet there are many days where I long to be the one going to work, doing the next project, going for coffee with my friends. I think on days like this I need to keep walking and to try to see the world through the eyes of my 2 month old son. I could learn a lot from him.

Trusting Your Instincts

I haven't spoken to many people about the first few days after Josh was born. In some ways I guess I view them as a period that I'd rather forget but this post by pinkoddy inspired me to share. In the spirit of keeping a record of the first year of Josh's life, I guess this should be included.

As far as births can be straightforward, I guess Josh's was. The whole labour lasted about 22 hours and I got through most of it on gas and air. The midwives were surprised how quickly things progressed and, when I asked for pethidine, it was actually nearly time to push. Maybe having pethidine this late contributed to our issues later but we'll probably never know.

Josh entered the world at 5.31am on Monday 13th February 2012. We spent the rest of the day on one of the maternity wards but we were desperate to get home and, once we'd demonstrated that Josh was feeding well, we were discharged that evening. The first night was a blur. Josh woke every hour crying but didn't seem hungry when I offered to feed him.

In the morning, we had an appointment to go back and see the registrar for something else so we took him in. We were greeted by a midwife who started asking lots of questions in a disapproving tone including 'are you telling me your baby hasn't eaten since 1am?' and 'don't you have any experience with children?'. I hope, for her sake, that she was just having a bad day because some day she'll get worse than tears if she addresses stressed, over tired new parents like that. Needless to say it immediately made us feel like we had already failed our son, after less than 24 hours.

Since Josh was so lethargic she did a blood sugar test to find that he was hypoglycaemic and the two of us were immediately readmitted. He was given some kind of glucose gel and formula which got his blood sugar back to within normal limits. The consultant then told us that they would do 3 pre-feed blood sugar tests over the course of the day to make sure he was able to maintain a healthy level. They wanted to start the process by giving him 40ml of formula, only about 45mins after the last 40ml of formula they had given him. Understandably Josh wouldn't take it - he only had a tiny stomach! They then told me they were going to put a tube down his nose into his stomach to feed it to him. I was on my own at this point - Rob had gone to pick up an overnight bag for us. Everything about the situation felt wrong. My poor boy was full up and they wanted to force feed him which was just going to make him throw it back up. I should have listened to my instincts and told them no but I stupidly believed they must know what they're doing.

The nurse (who, to be fair, was just following orders) said she would take Josh to the nursery to do this and left me on my own in our room where I basically cried my eyes out for 10 minutes from tiredness and the thought of what we were putting Josh through. I felt like all of this was my fault. I should have realised he needed to feed earlier and brought him back during the night before things got that bad but I stupidly thought he would cry and wake to be fed. I shouldn't have pushed to go home the same day as the problem might not even have happened if we had stayed in the hospital.

I will be forever grateful to the breastfeeding specialist who happened to be at the main desk when the nurse was taking Josh to the nursery. I had spent a lot of time with her earlier in the day and, when the nurse explained the situation, the breastfeeding specialist went and confronted the consultant. I don't know what was said but Josh was returned without having been fed, thank goodness.

In total, Josh and I spent about 36 hours in hospital and things started to improve pretty quickly. He was more alert and feeding better and I was able to speak to a lot of the midwives and specialists about breastfeeding which was a huge help.

What I really learnt from the whole experience was that I should trust my instincts when it comes to Josh. We are his parents and we know him better than anyone...and sadly doctors don't always get it right.

The Next Olympian

Alright, I supposed it's indulging in a motherhood fantasy just a teensy bit to imagine Josh winning a gold medal in the 400m freestyle at the 2032 Olympics. It was only his first swimming lesson after all. But maybe that's the prerogative of a new mum? :)

(image from deshow.net)

We are very fortunate to live fairly near to Calm A Baby, a fantastic facility which includes a lovely warm pool where they do swimming sessions for young children, including newborns. Their instructors show you how to help your baby float in different positions to get them used to moving through the water. They also teach you to read your baby's body language and understand their natural reflexes in the water.

Yesterday, my husband and I took Josh to his first class and I have literally been smiling ever since. Throughout the 30 minute class, Josh was as calm as I've ever seen him and then even through changing and driving home we barely had a whimper, he was like a different baby. Even the fussiness we've been having in the evenings with him was improved yesterday.

Along with working towards teaching them to swim a bit later on, the swimming helps relax and massage the babies, it tires them out and improves muscle tone - it's supposed to be an effective remedy for colic too. For us, it was the first time we've really been able to engage in an activity with our son and it felt great to see him enjoying himself as well as locking eyes with us for reassurance. Can't wait for next week!

Fussy Baby!

Oh baby, cry baby what do you need
Your nappy is clean and you've had a good feed
Perhaps you would like to play peekaboo
Or go for a drive and look at the view
I could hold you like this and soothe and rub
You could have a warm bath, play with ducks in the tub.
You used to be happy when I rocked you to sleep
And you laughed when I touched your nose and said beep
Now I walk and I sing and I sush and I pat
But today you would rather lie on your mat
Tomorrow your mat will be so passé
And I'll start again like yesterday

Conquering the Great Outdoors

My husband and I are keen fell walkers. To save cash and avoid the summer crowds, we're often found wandering the Lake District fells in the depths of winter, venturing out of the cottage when the temperature is firmly the wrong side of zero and returning to warm our mitts in front of the fire. With such a dubious idea of what constitutes an enjoyable passtime, we're no strangers to making a military operation out of leaving the house, which you'd think would prepare us well for life with our newborn. Ha.

But after 6 weeks of struggling with every outing, I've learnt that taking out a newborn is not so different from a day in the hills. Here's my mantra:

• Take a map - It is a godsend to know where you can feed and change your baby discretely. My health visitor furnished me with a leaflet of all the places in my local town that have facilities for parents. After discovering that my local John Lewis has a great little room where you can sit in a quiet corner and breastfeed, it immeasurably changed my perspective of trips into town. 
• Pack the first aid kit - Take a bottle, just to be on the safe side. Josh is the hungriest baby I have ever met (ok, I know I only have one) and the one thing that will really make him yell is not having milk when it's due! If I know there's nowhere I can comfortably breastfeed, I either express milk or make up a small bottle of formula. Sometimes it's just a safety net, but it's nice to know it's there.
• Don't walk alone - Join some Mum & Baby classes. Not only does this give you a reason to get out of the house, you also have an environment where it's socially acceptable to breastfeed, change your baby or have a screaming infant. I admit I did run home at the merest grizzle from Josh the first few times that I went but I found the classes a great way to ease myself into getting out of the house. 
• Know your equipment - A friend commented to me that a particular low in her time as a new mum was not being able to collapse the pram when she went shopping. If you're comfortable with all the levers, springs, handles, pockets and other paraphernalia, you're half way there.

A couple of times (so far) Josh has had a meltdown but, contrary to what every bone in my body was telling me, people have seen it all before. He's not the loudest child they have ever laid eyes on and they won't think I'm a bad parent if my baby is crying. I'm not all the way there yet but practice makes perfect I guess!

My day in 1970: Being a 1970s mum

I wake like I have every morning for the past 4 weeks, to the sounds of my baby boy over our baby monitor winding up like an air raid siren to an all out cry for food. I turn my head to peer at the blinking red display of our digital alarm clock. It's 6:30, a blissful hour later than normal.

Today's task is to do the food shopping. The internet hasn't been invented yet so I make up a bottle for my son and make sure I'm sitting in front of the television to hear the weather report at 7am. While I'm feeding Josh I flick through the other 3 channels in the vain hope that something will keep me entertained. Where are Kirsty and Phil and epic re-runs of Location Location Location when you need them? Or Netflix come to that. 40 years in the future I suppose.

A few months ago our local corner shop closed so now I have to struggle to the supermarket every week. Leaving the house is a military operation. Even though our new pram has a great detachable carry cot so that it goes in the car, it's hardly a quick fold Quinny buggy. I strap the carrycot onto the backseat (car seat laws didn't exist back then) and finally win the battle with the wheels to get them in the boot. Urgh, it's enough to make me invent online shopping.

At the supermarket I put on a baby sling as there aren't any trolleys with baby seats yet. Josh is already screaming and there's no mother and baby area so I'm forced to fix his nappy on the backseat of the car.

In my rush to leave the house, I forgot my chequebook and I have to detour to the bank to withdraw cash before I can finally finish the shopping...

A persistent beeping interrupts my thoughts and I slowly wake up, a hand snaking out of the duvet to silence my iPhone. I smile. Thank goodness for 2012. It's easy to forget how lucky we are.

It's The Little Things That Count

I was reminded by comments on a post by Circus Queen that, all too often, parenting blogs, discussions and coffee mornings focus on the challenges of parenting (for good reason, right? We all need to share, offload and gather advice) and sometimes we forget the good bits.

When I was pregnant as a first time mum I was constantly looking for reassurance that I was doing the right thing but I was inundated with people telling me how hard it is, how little sleep I'd get and all those other joys of  parenthood. Few and far between were those wonderful people who told me 'this will be the best experience of your life - enjoy it'.

So, for all you first-time-mums-to-be out there, this post is for you. Because, honestly, this is already the hardest thing I've ever done but in a few short weeks I have had my share of heart melting moments and here they are:

• When his little fingers find mine while he's feeding and hold them tight
• Going to wake him for a feed to find him fast asleep with his arms extended above his head
• The way the corners of his mouth turn down when he's upset which makes me want to cuddle him tight
• The way he goes floppy in my arms when he falls asleep
• The gorgeous little murmurs he makes when he's eating 
• The way his brow furrows and he whimpers when he gets hiccups
• How he lifts his head when I'm holding him to look me in the eyes and then his neck gets tired and his head slumps against my chest
• And my favourite...when he fell asleep in the midst of a group of screaming children and sucked his thumb for the first time:

As much as we all wish to get through the first few weeks while everyone is assuring you that it will get better, don't forget to treasure the heart-melting moments. What were yours?

It'll Only Take a Minute

It'll only take a minute
Just while baby has a sleep
I can iron it with one hand
While he nestles to my cheek

It'll only take a minute
Just to wipe this surface clean
While I'm making up his bottle
And I'm listening to him scream

It'll only take a minute
While he's playing on his mat
...But he's spit up his dinner
Before I've fed the cat

It'll only take a minute
To hang the washing out
It must get done today
No matter how he shouts

It'll only take a minute
Even I have to be fed
But when I get that minute?
I'll just go back to bed

Must haves for surviving the newborn period

So your baby has arrived...congratulations! There is nothing quite like the rush of love and protectiveness you feel when you first meet your little one. The thing is, after the initial high from the birth and the postnatal hormones wear off, reality has a nasty habit of catching up with you. As a new mum, you probably feel like a milk machine if you're breast feeding and, even if you're not, your days are filled with the constant cycle of feeds, sleeps and nappy changes. Your nights are desperate snatches of sleep between feeds. And let's face it, the lack of sleep is going to make the best of us teary.

Firstly, breathe, grab a tissue and acknowledge what a great job you're really doing. Secondly, find ways to survive the early days. I'm still IN the early days and still trying to survive but here are the things that are getting me through:UWPX6VC9MESQ

1. My iPhone. I know, I'm part of -that- generation. I constantly have my phone at my fingertips. But let me tell you, when you're breast feeding at 3am, a mindless game or easy access to facebook is a life saver.
2. A social life. A social life? I can see the raised eyebrows. Your days are filled with keeping your head above water, how on earth can you have a social life? I am lucky enough to have a dear friend who is able to bring me lunch and come for a gentle stroll when I need company but I am also gradually building myself up to going to one or two mum and baby groups. It's taking a while to get over the fear of trying to fit those things in with the hectic schedule of feeds and sleeps, and equally the fear of baby having a meltdown in public but I'm starting small, with places where I know I can breast feed or change baby. The only way is up!
3. A good book. For those stolen moments to yourself when baby is sleeping and you're not.
4. This blog. Truly. Writing about my experiences is really helping.
5. My breast pump. Having hubby do the late feed is like a little piece of freedom. Love it.
6. Online grocery shopping. The idea of trying to take baby to a supermarket is truly terrifying on many levels. I know I'll get there eventually but right now, I'm raising a glass to online shopping!
7. Parenting forums. It's so good to have some other people to discuss issues with, I wouldn't part with them!

I'm pretty sure I'll think of more but these are the first things that spring to mind. Whether you're a closet technology geek like me or not, I hope you find some things to get you through. Pretty soon we'll all be wondering what the fuss was all about. X