How do you make your tongue do that?

Yesterday I was sitting on a park bench in Oakham with a dear friend who shall remain nameless. Our conversation included whether my breasts had returned to the same size since I went lopsided after stopping breastfeeding (those of you who see me on a regular basis - I will notice if your eyes drift south. You have been warned). We then progressed onto what shapes you could make your tongue into (you know, like whether you can curl it into a roll) and rounded it off with how many pooey nappies my son does now that he's on formula.

It was about this point that I reflected how much life has changed in the last 5 months. When did I become one of those women? You know, the ones that wear their milk stains with pride and no longer think twice about tossing the dirty nappies into the washer with our clothes? There isn't much that hasn't changed to be honest. My priorities have changed, I have new friends, I openly talk about the bodily woes of pregnancy and beyond where previously I was a little...shy.

I look on those things with pretty mixed feelings. I miss parts of my old life. I miss being able to curl up on the sofa and read a book or doze when I'm ill. I miss being my own boss, being able to live spontaneously. But I am also incredibly grateful to have Josh in my life. And there are some things about maternity leave that really aren't so bad.

Calling it a Day

It makes me sad that there are so many people out there who want to judge the way we parent, who feel the need to comment, "advise" or simply to thrust their ideal world at you as a poignant reminder of your failings.

Some days it feels like there is no more controversial parenting topic than breastfeeding. From the breastfeeding zealots to the breastfeeding specialists to the health visitors, there is a lot of pressure to feed your baby this way. I don't disagree that breastfeeding gives your little ones a great start in life. But breastfeeding is just one piece of the jigsaw and every parent needs to look at the big picture of what is right for their child, not just feeding in isolation.

I have breastfed Little Monster almost exclusively for 3 months and have now made the decision to stop. There are lots of women who manage more than that and I take my hat off to every one of them. I have done a lot of soul searching about this because I really did want to feed for longer but, in the end, the other pieces of the jigsaw didn't fit.

When Little Monster was first born, I had issues with overactive letdown. It made feeding quite difficult sometimes. Little Monster would break off choking or get bad gas. We started to get past this and then I got a stomach bug for a few days. I was so off my food that my supply was badly affected and it never recovered. After that, I would spend every day stressing about eating and drinking enough and, despite that, the early evening feeds became really difficult. Little Monster wasn't getting enough milk and he was difficult to settle. My anxiety about this was a contributor to my insomnia.

So for all the right reasons I decided to call it a day. In our big picture, I can be a better mum to Little Monster by stopping and, honestly, he seems happier for it.

I know that I have been and will be judged for my decision. Our breastfeeding specialist reacted with a 'hmm' and tried to hide a disapproving look. Actually, it would have been nice to get some support with stopping; physically and emotionally it's not that easy to do.

Do I think I made the right decision? Yes. Am I just a little bit sad? Absolutely.

My Love-Hate Relationship with Breastfeeding

Before you have your first child literally everyone has some pearls of wisdom for you. Mostly they are about how little sleep you're going to get, (sleep when the baby sleeps, snarf, snarf), and how your life is never going to be the same (8pm bedtimes for the win). What noone prepares you for is how hard breastfeeding is going to be.

I actually think I've had a pretty easy time of it compared to many women. I didn't have a really painful time feeding him. I didn't have cracked and bleeding nipples. My Little Monster didn't have tongue tie or problems with latching.

So why has it been so hard? Hmm.

Signs and Sizes!

Well, just a quick update from me on some of our goals!

I was very excited yesterday morning because I got a big beaming smile from Josh when I did the sign for hungry. Clever boy! When I told my husband he said 'oh yeah, he stopped fussing the other day when I did it'. Why don't men tell us these important things?? He hasn't done it again but it's a step in the right direction.

In other news, my quest to return to my pre pregnancy clothing is going pretty well. I have lost 5cm from my hips and about 4cm from my waist so far. Just need to keep up the exercise.

Trusting Your Instincts

I haven't spoken to many people about the first few days after Josh was born. In some ways I guess I view them as a period that I'd rather forget but this post by pinkoddy inspired me to share. In the spirit of keeping a record of the first year of Josh's life, I guess this should be included.

As far as births can be straightforward, I guess Josh's was. The whole labour lasted about 22 hours and I got through most of it on gas and air. The midwives were surprised how quickly things progressed and, when I asked for pethidine, it was actually nearly time to push. Maybe having pethidine this late contributed to our issues later but we'll probably never know.

Josh entered the world at 5.31am on Monday 13th February 2012. We spent the rest of the day on one of the maternity wards but we were desperate to get home and, once we'd demonstrated that Josh was feeding well, we were discharged that evening. The first night was a blur. Josh woke every hour crying but didn't seem hungry when I offered to feed him.

In the morning, we had an appointment to go back and see the registrar for something else so we took him in. We were greeted by a midwife who started asking lots of questions in a disapproving tone including 'are you telling me your baby hasn't eaten since 1am?' and 'don't you have any experience with children?'. I hope, for her sake, that she was just having a bad day because some day she'll get worse than tears if she addresses stressed, over tired new parents like that. Needless to say it immediately made us feel like we had already failed our son, after less than 24 hours.

Since Josh was so lethargic she did a blood sugar test to find that he was hypoglycaemic and the two of us were immediately readmitted. He was given some kind of glucose gel and formula which got his blood sugar back to within normal limits. The consultant then told us that they would do 3 pre-feed blood sugar tests over the course of the day to make sure he was able to maintain a healthy level. They wanted to start the process by giving him 40ml of formula, only about 45mins after the last 40ml of formula they had given him. Understandably Josh wouldn't take it - he only had a tiny stomach! They then told me they were going to put a tube down his nose into his stomach to feed it to him. I was on my own at this point - Rob had gone to pick up an overnight bag for us. Everything about the situation felt wrong. My poor boy was full up and they wanted to force feed him which was just going to make him throw it back up. I should have listened to my instincts and told them no but I stupidly believed they must know what they're doing.

The nurse (who, to be fair, was just following orders) said she would take Josh to the nursery to do this and left me on my own in our room where I basically cried my eyes out for 10 minutes from tiredness and the thought of what we were putting Josh through. I felt like all of this was my fault. I should have realised he needed to feed earlier and brought him back during the night before things got that bad but I stupidly thought he would cry and wake to be fed. I shouldn't have pushed to go home the same day as the problem might not even have happened if we had stayed in the hospital.

I will be forever grateful to the breastfeeding specialist who happened to be at the main desk when the nurse was taking Josh to the nursery. I had spent a lot of time with her earlier in the day and, when the nurse explained the situation, the breastfeeding specialist went and confronted the consultant. I don't know what was said but Josh was returned without having been fed, thank goodness.

In total, Josh and I spent about 36 hours in hospital and things started to improve pretty quickly. He was more alert and feeding better and I was able to speak to a lot of the midwives and specialists about breastfeeding which was a huge help.

What I really learnt from the whole experience was that I should trust my instincts when it comes to Josh. We are his parents and we know him better than anyone...and sadly doctors don't always get it right.

Sacking the Schedule

I know, I know. I really hesitate to bring this up because schedules (of the baby sleeping, eating, playing variety) are somewhat of a marmite subject for mums. But as usual I have to have my two pennyworth so here goes...

I like schedules, I do. I am all for (trying) to instil some good habits in my little monster before the point where it becomes really painful to break the bad ones. So it may be surprising that I've sacked mine off.

And the reason?

One of my best friends has had a great experience with establishing a routine and her son sleeps through 7pm-7am with set naptimes during the day. When I heard this, I wanted a piece of that...who wouldn't? So, I read up on the approach and I really thought I could make it work. Having a little instruction manual for how to deal with the (albeit cute) creature from outer space that had descended upon our household seemed really appealing. On top of that, the midwives and doctors seemed to support the approach too, by instructing me that my little one should be fed every 3 hours.

The thing is, what I -heard- was that he only needs to feed every 3 hours, when in fact they meant 'don't leave him any longer than 3 hours'. Five weeks down the line, I was tired and tearful and frustrated. Josh didn't seem to understand that he was supposed to be able to last 3 hours between feeds, he wanted feeding every 1-2 hours. He was telling us he was hungry - chewing his fists, rooting, turning his head - but the schedule and advice made us question everything. Perhaps he's just feeding for comfort? If he's only supposed to feed every 3 hours, perhaps all this feeding will make him overweight? We tried to stick to the schedule and distract him from his perceived hunger. We assumed his crying was overtiredness and tried to settle him.

Reading this back, it sounds obvious that he was hungry and I feel guilty now for even admitting that we didn't immediately feed him. But in trying so hard to do the right thing, we got it wrong.

So at 6 weeks I canned the schedule, at least for the time being, until Josh really can last longer between feeds. Yes, it's exhausting being a human milk machine and yes, I often feel like a prisoner on the sofa because going out just doesn't seem like an option. But Josh is happier and I am less stressed because I've accepted that right now, my son needs me. He needs to feed often and snuggle against me to sleep. I don't think I will spoil him by feeding on demand at this stage and the breastfeeding specialist assures me you can't overfeed a breastfed baby. For now, I will try to just take pleasure in this time to bond with him - there's plenty of time for making plans tomorrow.

Conquering the Great Outdoors

My husband and I are keen fell walkers. To save cash and avoid the summer crowds, we're often found wandering the Lake District fells in the depths of winter, venturing out of the cottage when the temperature is firmly the wrong side of zero and returning to warm our mitts in front of the fire. With such a dubious idea of what constitutes an enjoyable passtime, we're no strangers to making a military operation out of leaving the house, which you'd think would prepare us well for life with our newborn. Ha.

But after 6 weeks of struggling with every outing, I've learnt that taking out a newborn is not so different from a day in the hills. Here's my mantra:

• Take a map - It is a godsend to know where you can feed and change your baby discretely. My health visitor furnished me with a leaflet of all the places in my local town that have facilities for parents. After discovering that my local John Lewis has a great little room where you can sit in a quiet corner and breastfeed, it immeasurably changed my perspective of trips into town. 
• Pack the first aid kit - Take a bottle, just to be on the safe side. Josh is the hungriest baby I have ever met (ok, I know I only have one) and the one thing that will really make him yell is not having milk when it's due! If I know there's nowhere I can comfortably breastfeed, I either express milk or make up a small bottle of formula. Sometimes it's just a safety net, but it's nice to know it's there.
• Don't walk alone - Join some Mum & Baby classes. Not only does this give you a reason to get out of the house, you also have an environment where it's socially acceptable to breastfeed, change your baby or have a screaming infant. I admit I did run home at the merest grizzle from Josh the first few times that I went but I found the classes a great way to ease myself into getting out of the house. 
• Know your equipment - A friend commented to me that a particular low in her time as a new mum was not being able to collapse the pram when she went shopping. If you're comfortable with all the levers, springs, handles, pockets and other paraphernalia, you're half way there.

A couple of times (so far) Josh has had a meltdown but, contrary to what every bone in my body was telling me, people have seen it all before. He's not the loudest child they have ever laid eyes on and they won't think I'm a bad parent if my baby is crying. I'm not all the way there yet but practice makes perfect I guess!

My Gassy Little Monster

In the last few days my poor 3 week old baby has started getting really gassy, to the extent that he struggles to go down to sleep and will lie there grizzling for hours at a time. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that this is really distressing, particularly during the witching hour when the grizzles turn into all-out wails.

I'm not ruling out taking him to the doctor if it continues but I've got a feeling they will tell me it's colic. I know I'm not an expert on these things but I don't really believe in the concept of colic. I'm a big believer in everything-happens-for-a-reason and I genuinely think that if my baby is crying inconsolably, there has to be a reason other than 'well 3 week old babies just do that'. And hopefully there is a solution too.

I know that other people have trodden this path before me and there is evidence that, with persistance, you can find out the cause of your baby's unhappiness. I think the problem is that pinning it down is extremely difficult.

In Josh's case, I'll bet my bottom dollar that his screams are due to gas up until the point where this has caused him to be overtired and then there is just no fixing it! But what is causing the gas? Some theories that I want to explore:

1. Overactive letdown - It wasn't until I had scoured the web for a little bit that I discovered some good information on overactive letdown (when the letdown of your breast milk is too forceful/quick, causing gulping, spluttering etc as baby is unable to drink fast enough). Oversupply is a very similar problem and there is an excellent article about it on the La Leche website which really helped me. For me, this was the most likely issue as my poor baby often has to drop on and off during the letdown, causing him to gulp air and splutter. 
2. Reflux - I'm not too clear on the clinical difference between 'colic' and reflux so I won't attempt to comment on this. As far as I know, diagnosis of this condition is only based on the description of symptoms which can also occur from other things so I really wanted to eliminate everything else first.
3. Intolerance to something in my diet. Common offenders seem to be:
• Cow's milk - If necessary, I'll try cutting this out of my diet but it will be the last thing I try, not least because the calcium is so important.
• Caffeine - This is a definite possibility as I am a guilty consumer of coffee, tea and chocolate. There is an interesting article on this here
• Gas-producing foods including beans, brocolli etc - Again, very possible but difficult to pin down as there are so many potentially gassy foods.
4. A bad latch - When I saw a breastfeeding specialist earlier in the week, she pointed out a couple of possible improvements to the way that I help my baby latch on and that the way I have been doing it may have caused him to take more air in.

As of completing this post, Josh has had 2 days of significant improvement. The three things I've changed most significantly have been:

• When Josh unlatches during the letdown, I mop up the excess/spurting milk before letting him back on which seems to reduce the amount of gulping of air
• I'm more focussed on not just a comfortable latch but the right latch to ensure baby can drink without gulping. I'm pretty sure this is helping as there is a better seal around his mouth now.
• I've cut almost all caffeine from my diet for the last few days. If the improvement is sustained, I'll try reintroducing some caffeine because the above things may have done the trick.

So many parents pull their hair out over issues of gas or colic that I really wanted to collect some of the most common causes in one place. I hope this post helps you and all the best for getting through these first few months! X

Losing the Pregnancy Pounds

Righty ho. I figure if I record this on my blog for everyone to see, it might give me a bit of a kick towards making sure I reach my goals. So, what are my goals? I've decided not to weigh myself. I have a fundamental dislike of scales. An old boyfriend of mine used to say to me 'don't ask questions you don't want the answers to' which is very good advice when it comes to the subject of weight. I'm not adverse to tracking my progress, but since I intend to exercise which will build muscle, my weight will probably go up before it goes down which is a sure fire way to failure (for me, at any rate).

My goals are:

1. Fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes (roughly a UK size 8 on top and a size 12 on the bottom)
2. Get back to my previous level of fitness (I'll assume this is being able to run 5km comfortably in under 30 minutes without feeling the effects the following day)
3. Be happy with what I see in the mirror (tricky to measure...but I'll know when I get there!)

To track my progress, I'm going to measure my hips, waist, thigh and upper arm every 2 weeks. Since I'm breast feeding, I'm not going to use my bust measurement...lol.

My starting measurements (for all to see...eep!)
Hips: 116cm
Waist: 90cm
Thigh: 68cm
Upper arm: 28cm

So how am I planning to lose the weight? Well, I am breast feeding which they say means you need to consume 500 extra calories per day so I think this will help me to lose weight. I also want to return to a good level of exercise - walking initially, but progressing to running once I've increased in fitness and recovered from my childbirth woes.

Wish me luck. I'll be tracking my exercise and measurements on www.myfitnesspal.com and posting my 2 week results here...