The Next Step

Almost exactly a year ago, I was clearing out my desk at work. I was huge and I waddled. I had hopes and dreams and thoughts that kept me awake at night and I had no idea what this next step on my journey was really going to be like. I started this blog to keep me sane through the difficult times and to document my ups and downs and trials of parenthood. The blog has really become more than that for me, but that's a story for another day.

Today I walked the 1.5 miles into my nearest town with Little Monster. It's something I've done several times a week for the last 10 months. It's become a routine that symbolises this first year with him; he babbles and chatters or snoozes his way through the ride and I take my time, do a little soul searching, listen to an audiobook, plan my day. Along the way, I'll probably pull faces at him to make him giggle, stop several times to adjust his socks, his hat, pick up a discarded toy. When we get to town, we normally find our way to the post office where the two wonderfully fabulous men behind the counter have a quick chat with Little Monster which involves street style chest thumping and hand signals which perhaps mean more to Little Monster than they do to me. We might have a coffee and Little Monster will snack on dried apricots and mini rice cakes while he's charming the pants off the other residents of the cafe and I steal a sneaky 5 minutes of down time. We'll wander home again, Little Monster a new person from getting out of the house and me feeling virtuous from my 3 mile walk.

It's a routine I've come to love and yet I never thought I would. For the first 6 weeks, even making it out of the house was some kind of Herculean task. Making it out of the house to be somewhere on time was nigh on impossible. And, like all things, now that I'm faced with the thought of giving it up, I know it's something I'm going to miss terribly.

A year seemed an absolute lifetime at the start. Sometimes I wondered how I'd even survive it. But now, as it's coming to an end, I feel sad. Little Monster and I have come such a long way this year. It has been both the best and worst year of my life rolled into one. He and I have grown and learned and changed and got to know each other. Sometimes I think I've grown and changed almost as much as he has. We've got through learning to sleep, learning to eat solid food, trips to hospital for him and for me, trying to walk, figuring out that construction is (nearly) as much fun as destruction, first paddles in the sea, first tastes of cake and so many other firsts that I can't count them.

I know that returning  to work is the right thing for me and I hope that nursery will be the right thing for Little Monster. We've survived the first step. I can't wait for the next one.

Hay Days and Holidays!

Today was the last day of holiday and, in the way of these things when the holiday has been good, I'm a little melancholy and reflective. I wished so much to take Little Monster to the beach for the first time, to see his reaction as the waves washed over his feet and let him squish his toes in the sand. I had that, and so much more. We laughed when a big wave caught us and took photos so we'll never forget.

We went to Dartmouth on the ferry and watched a steam train chunter past. We wandered around Coleton Fishacre, tried a HippyChick Hip Seat for the first time. We watched pigs at the farm and giggled at the monkeys at the zoo. There were lunches and cups of tea in the garden. Ice cream and fresh picked raspberries. Evenings with wine and a good book.


And lying here now, curled up in bed on our last night, I realise how much my son and my husband have influenced this trip and are constantly making me want to be better than I am. Little Monster, at nearly 7 months, has adapted so easily to being here and has displayed more patience than I often do. My husband used up his holiday to care for me when I was ill and couldn't be here. He is kind and generous and has never shown a moment of resentment that he couldn't join us.

All in all I'm feeling really lucky. I had a great holiday and a great time watching Little Monster and all his 'firsts'. And tomorrow, I'm going home where hubs is waiting to give us end-of-holiday hugs.

12 Weeks Postpartum

Wow...12 weeks. Nearly 3 months. My life has changed incredibly since Josh arrived. I've sat here for an hour trying to figure out what I can say to mark this occasion. The last 3 months have been the best, the worst, the hardest of my life. They have also been full of amazing moments. Some of the ones that I want to remember forever are...

• The first smiles. His smile is so amazing that I spend half the day trying to coax one :)
• The first laugh (just yesterday!), brought about by shaking pistachio shells in a jar...who'd have thought?
• Gaining head control. He pushes himself away from my chest to look around and has recently started doing mini push ups and looking around. He did that for the first time at baby massage last week and it was wonderful. Here's Little Monster in action.

• Learning to suck his thumb (in a few years we'll probably be cursing his attachment to it!)
• Starting to talk. I might add a short video when I get a chance. It's just wonderful having conversations of 'oooh' and 'ooahh' with him

To mark Little Monster's 12 weeks, here are my... 

12 Weeks Postpartum

In the first week postpartum, my baby gave to me, a very, very full nappy In the second week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the third week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 3 sleepless nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the fourth week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepless nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the fifth week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 5 little smiles! 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepless nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the sixth week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 6 feeds a day, 5 little smiles! 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepless nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the seventh week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 7 soulful stares, 6 feeds a day, 5 little smiles! 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepness nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the eighth week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 8 cooing noises, 7 soulful stares, 6 feeds a day, 5 little smiles! 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepness nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the ninth week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 9 new things daily, 8 cooing noises, 7 soulful stares, 6 feeds a day, 5 little smiles! 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepness nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the tenth week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 10 tummy time minutes, 9 new things daily, 8 cooing noises, 7 soulful stares, 6 feeds a day, 5 little smiles! 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepness nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the eleventh week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 11 loads of washing, 10 tummy time minutes, 9 new things daily, 8 cooing noises, 7 soulful stares, 6 feeds a day, 5 little smiles! 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepness nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy In the twelth week postpartum, my baby gave to me, 12 hours of sleep, 11 loads of washing, 10 tummy time minutes, 9 new things daily, 8 cooing noises, 7 soulful stares, 6 feeds a day, 5 little smiles! 4 daytime naps, 3 sleepness nights, 2 teary days and a very, very full nappy!

Teaching myself to walk again

Have you noticed that when you take the time to walk, you notice so many more things than when you drive? A tree that has just covered itself in blossom like someone sprinkled breadcrumbs on it in the night, the new coat of paint your neighbours have just given their fence or, like today, a pair of sleeping ducks nestled beside a pond where normally  there are none. And what you don't see, you can't appreciate.

My life has been a series of milestones. It's the same for most people I guess. It has always been the next exams, the next school, the next promotion. Buy a house, get married, have children. It wasn't about the process but the end result and the quicker you get there the better.

This year is the first year of my life where I can remember having no set goal. Well, that's not true. My goals are to give Josh the best and happiest start in life that's possible for me to give, and for me to enjoy it. But noone is dictating how we get there. Each day that I get up I can judge how today we will accomplish those two ideals. And Josh isn't looking a year ahead to decide what he will be able to do. Each day he is reaching out and exploring the world and seeing what he can do. The moments I enjoy most are the ones where I'm watching him and he shows me a new trick that he's learnt.

Maybe I will only have the luxury of this time for one year but this one year is teaching me to walk, to slow down and enjoy the journey. If I let it all rush by I will miss all those amazing small moments. The funny thing is, I know it's a privilege and yet there are many days where I long to be the one going to work, doing the next project, going for coffee with my friends. I think on days like this I need to keep walking and to try to see the world through the eyes of my 2 month old son. I could learn a lot from him.

The Next Olympian

Alright, I supposed it's indulging in a motherhood fantasy just a teensy bit to imagine Josh winning a gold medal in the 400m freestyle at the 2032 Olympics. It was only his first swimming lesson after all. But maybe that's the prerogative of a new mum? :)

(image from deshow.net)

We are very fortunate to live fairly near to Calm A Baby, a fantastic facility which includes a lovely warm pool where they do swimming sessions for young children, including newborns. Their instructors show you how to help your baby float in different positions to get them used to moving through the water. They also teach you to read your baby's body language and understand their natural reflexes in the water.

Yesterday, my husband and I took Josh to his first class and I have literally been smiling ever since. Throughout the 30 minute class, Josh was as calm as I've ever seen him and then even through changing and driving home we barely had a whimper, he was like a different baby. Even the fussiness we've been having in the evenings with him was improved yesterday.

Along with working towards teaching them to swim a bit later on, the swimming helps relax and massage the babies, it tires them out and improves muscle tone - it's supposed to be an effective remedy for colic too. For us, it was the first time we've really been able to engage in an activity with our son and it felt great to see him enjoying himself as well as locking eyes with us for reassurance. Can't wait for next week!

It's The Little Things That Count

I was reminded by comments on a post by Circus Queen that, all too often, parenting blogs, discussions and coffee mornings focus on the challenges of parenting (for good reason, right? We all need to share, offload and gather advice) and sometimes we forget the good bits.

When I was pregnant as a first time mum I was constantly looking for reassurance that I was doing the right thing but I was inundated with people telling me how hard it is, how little sleep I'd get and all those other joys of  parenthood. Few and far between were those wonderful people who told me 'this will be the best experience of your life - enjoy it'.

So, for all you first-time-mums-to-be out there, this post is for you. Because, honestly, this is already the hardest thing I've ever done but in a few short weeks I have had my share of heart melting moments and here they are:

• When his little fingers find mine while he's feeding and hold them tight
• Going to wake him for a feed to find him fast asleep with his arms extended above his head
• The way the corners of his mouth turn down when he's upset which makes me want to cuddle him tight
• The way he goes floppy in my arms when he falls asleep
• The gorgeous little murmurs he makes when he's eating 
• The way his brow furrows and he whimpers when he gets hiccups
• How he lifts his head when I'm holding him to look me in the eyes and then his neck gets tired and his head slumps against my chest
• And my favourite...when he fell asleep in the midst of a group of screaming children and sucked his thumb for the first time:

As much as we all wish to get through the first few weeks while everyone is assuring you that it will get better, don't forget to treasure the heart-melting moments. What were yours?