Happy Birthday, Sweetling.

I wasn't expecting you.
I knew you were coming, of course.
But I didn't know your arrival would bring tears,
Tears that ran down my cheeks and gently wet your newborn skin as the midwives bustled around us.
When my boy held so much much of my heart, I wasn't expecting to have enough love left,
Not just to love you,
But to love you so much, and so differently, that my heart hurts.
I wasn't expecting you to be so different, sweetling,
And for those differences to make my breath catch.
Your brother made the sun shine on cloudy days,
And you have brought the rainbow.
When you crawl to me and lay your sweet head on my lap,
I wish that I could put those moments in boxes,
And open them one day,
That I may never forget how you were in that moment...for 100,000 photographs are never enough.
We have had a rollercoaster year, you and I,
You have learnt to crawl and point and clap your hands and say "That!"
I have learnt that some days I don't have the patience for two, and that some days that's ok.
We've had worry and poorly nights and hospital visits and the best first family holiday we could wish for.
I wish you a very happy first birthday, sweetling.
May every year be so bright.
I wish you love, happiness and adventure in equal measure,
And maybe, just a smidgeon, of sleep.

Wear all the babies

I'm not what you would call a crunchy mama. I did dabble in cloth nappies for a while. But homebirthing, homeschooling, elimination communication...I admire those mamas, but I'm not that mama.

I am the mama who occasionally resorts to junk food because I ran out of time and the cupboards are empty. I am the mama who thanks the CBeebies gods for delivering entertainment when I need to cook dinner and my children are not cooperating. I am the mama who bribed her son to potty train.

But I am also the mama who babywears.

When my son was born, I carried him for a short time with a stretchy wrap. When he outgrew the wrap, he went in the pushchair and seemed content. Using a pushchair seemed to be the norm and it didn't occur to me to do anything different.

And then my daughter came along. She didn't like the pushchair, she wanted to be held. Not only that but my son was going through the wonderful stage of running away from me in public places. The few times that happened when I was using a pushchair, I had the heart stopping decision of whether to stay with my baby or run after my toddler. That's not a feeling I want to repeat.

It seemed only natural then to keep my daughter in a sling. It started with the stretchy wrap and then I moved on to soft-structured carriers (SSCs). Lately, to the dismay of my husband(!), I've also been trying out woven wraps and I'm discovering even more sides of baby wearing.

My daughter is now 9 months old. I still carry her almost every day and I can see that changing for a long time. While I started baby-wearing out of necessity, now it's something I wouldn't change. I love that my daughter is at the same level as me. I see the world with her eyes and tell her about it as we walk. I can nip to the shops in my town without having to negotiate endless sets of steps with a buggy. I have two hands free to play with my son and keep him safe. It keeps me fit. And when she's tired, my daughter snuggles in to fall as asleep just as she did on her first day in the world 9 months ago.

I'd love to hear what your favourite slings and wraps are!

Being My Child's Voice

I hastily refastened the poppers on my daughter's sleepsuit and scooped her up off the bed before sinking into a chair in front of the doctor. He was looking at me with a solemn expression, a mixture of apology and uncertainty in his eyes as he said those words that every parent dreads to hear, "I think she needs to go in". I didn't need to ask where. She had a rocketing temperature, a racing pulse and couldn't keep antibiotics or antipyretics down. We both knew she needed a little help.

The next 7 hours at the hospital, before the doctors finally let my daughter fall into an uneasy slumber around 2am, were a haze of obs, rehydration fluids, tests and examinations. She was being treated for a suspected kidney infection, dehydration and fever.
I confess that there was a really low point in there around 1am. I'd been standing at my daughter's bedside for more than 2.5hrs trying to catch a urine sample. Every 10 minutes I had to feed her an electrolyte solution. She would nearly doze off in between doses before she was jolted awake again. It was day 5 of her illness and both of us were exhausted. I asked the doctors to use a catheter to get a sample and they refused, saying it was too invasive. It left me in tears. Surely after that amount of time, the ends justified the means? She clearly needed to start treatment and, right then, she desperately needed to be able to sleep. I found myself flashing back to the day after my son was born when he was readmitted for low blood sugar. The doctors had instructed a nurse to put a tube into his stomach to force feed him when he refused milk only 1hr after taking 3ozs. I remembered how helpless I had felt then, how I was so angry with myself because my instincts had screamed that this was all wrong and yet I had blindly trusted. It was that memory that made me request the catheter and that memory that brought tears when they refused. After 3 yrs I was here again and still failing to be the advocate my child needed. I did the only thing I could do. I brushed the hair from my daughter's tired eyes and promised that we'd make her better soon.


Nearly a day later things were looking up. My daughter's temperature was under control and, despite some vomiting, she'd kept down most of her medication so they discharged her with instructions to call if the fever didn't subside. I'm hopeful that we're nearing the end of this bump in the road. She's more perky today, despite looking exhausted.

I wanted to write this because, probably more than any other challenge in our role as parents, being our child's voice is hard. Really hard. It's impossible to know whether you're making the right choices, fighting the right battles, particularly when those battles question medical advice.

All I wanted to say is...listen to those around you, research, form opinions and, more than anything else, trust your gut. You're a good parent and you know your child and their cues better than anyone. Believe in that.

Counting my blessings

I'm probably not alone in saying that I didn't really enjoy school. Although I have a few treasured school friends who I'm still in touch with, I spent a lot of my school life feeling like people didn't like me. And the problem is, feelings like that stick. There are still times when I fret about it. But anyway, this post isn't a pity party, I just wanted to say that I've never felt like I make friends easily.

I suppose that fact makes me more surprised and amazed and grateful for what I have now. After two pregnancies and umpteen months of maternity leave I am lucky enough to have a really, really amazing group of people that I can call friends.

So, this post, in the Christmas spirit is a thank you.

It's a thank you to the girls from my very first antenatal group for keeping in touch and giving me a lifeline in those first shaky days of parenthood. I met some fellow fabric addicts and I've never looked back.
It's a thank you to the girls from my first baby massage group for every walk in the woods, every cup of coffee, every shared birthday party, babysitting swap and girls night out. You have all been my rocks and I really feel like I couldn't have done this without you.
It's a thank you to the girls from my second antenatal group who are sharing in my newest journey and making it so much more colourful and enjoyable. We were a big group and I didn't know if that would work but it really has.
It's a thank you to the friend I randomly met in the park a day after my Littlest Monster was born, the friend I made when I picked up some baby clothes one day and the friends I've inherited from other other antenatal groups who have invited me into their lives without question.

And to make this post complete, I need to thank my husband who puts up with his hormonal nightmare of a wife and who is a pretty awesome dad to these two monkeys:

Merry Christmas all. I hope the new year brings love, laughter and, for the Antenatal Class of 2014, a full night of uninterrupted sleep. xxx

Things I Wish You Understood

My darling boy.

I wish you understood now how your hurts hurt me. How I feel every bump to your head and scrape to your knee. How I would gladly swap places with you when you're ill to save myself the pain of watching you suffer.

I wish you understood that making you smile and laugh lights up my world. That I would give you everything you wanted if it wasn't for knowing that it's my job to teach you the value of earning it for yourself.

I wish you understood that, far from wanting to control you, my heart swells with pride at each step you take towards your independence. But I also know that some things are more important than your feeling of independence right now. Things like cleaning your teeth and eating a balanced diet and keeping you safe.

I don't want to fight with you, my baby. I wish every day could be full of love and laughs and new experiences and I'll do everything I can to make it that way. But I owe it to you to give you the best start, to show you how to be the best that you can be. I owe it to you to be able to say no.

Perspective

Today is a teary day. It's a day when the newest Little Miss won't sleep. A day when Little Monster is clingy and whiny and doing everything he can to push my buttons. A day when my morning coffee eluded me and Little Monster getting hurt while I was breastfeeding gave me a good dose of second child guilt.

I knew the tears would come. I knew that there would be days where I felt I couldn't face the world and that I would never know a good nights sleep or a moment of sanity again.

But I also know that tomorrow will probably be better. Tonight might be the night where Little Miss settles happily after a bottle or where she gives me a stretch of 4 hrs sleep to make me feel new again. Tomorrow might be full of happy moments and laughs.

Having a 2.5 yr old Little Monster has given me the perspective, the living proof, that this phase will pass quickly. I know that Little Miss won't nap solely on me forever. I know that she'll gain weight and stretch out her night sleep and figure out how to self settle. I know that I'll be able to regain some time to focus on Little Monster and the guilt will subside.

So, for today, to make it through today, I just need to find some smiles. And with a 2.5 yr old on tap, those smiles are probably hidden somewhere I'm not expecting, waiting to spring out at me.

Maybe I'll try to tease them out with some tickles. X

Getting carried away :)

Since we'll soon be welcoming another bundle into our beautiful family, I decided that I needed, I mean really needed, to get another baby carrier. Not that I don't love my Close Parent carrier which is great for the newborn stage and our Little Life backpack carrier which is awesome for longer walks...but something was definitely missing from my collection - a Soft Structured Carrier (SSC). A friend introduced me to her Boba Carrier at some point during my first year with Little Monster and I love how versatile they are - lightweight and easy to take with you, good for back wearing and front wearing and actually quite a lot easier to use than a sling.

So I started to investigate costs and whatnot and fairly quickly concluded that I couldn't justify the £90+ price tag for a soft structured carrier in the UK. Instead I discovered the awesome SweetPod Baby Carrier pattern by Seedpod and decided to have a go...

1. Sourcing supplies in the UK
The incredibly talented designer of the Sweetpod, Jessica Croker, is based in the US and unfortunately for us in the UK, the supplies required are a bit harder and more expensive to source so I've compiled a list of the stuff you need, where I got it from and how much I paid. Hopefully this helps someone out there!

Fabric

• 1/3 yd. home decorator print fabric (for main body decorative panel) (You’ll need 5/8 yd if your fabric has a directional print.)
• If you make curtains or cushions, the chances are you have a big enough offcut knocking around. You actually only need one panel 9" wide by 19" long.
• 1 yd. 60” wide heavy weight solid fabric in a coordinating color (7-10 oz. denim, canvas, or twill)
• I decided I wanted black canvas (aka duck cloth) for the main fabric of my carrier. I found this incredibly hard to find in the UK. A lot of suppliers sell white canvas but not dyed. I eventually sourced it from Calico Laine for a fairly reasonable £6.99 per metre.
• 1 yd. 42-45” wide quilter’s weight solid fabric in a coordinating color (for lining and sleeping hood)
• I used 1m of Moda Bella Solids in Dark Teal from Fabritastic which was also £7/m
• 18” x 20” piece of cotton batting (Warm & Natural)
• I already had an offcut of cotton batting so I didn't have to purchase this but the best prices I found were on eBay. Unfortunately the smallest size I could find was a cot quilt piece which makes it quite expensive. If you have a local haberdashery, that try that first as they may be able to sell you a smaller quantity off the roll.

Webbing

• 4 yds. 1” wide nylon webbing
• 1 yd. 2” wide nylon webbing
• I found nylon webbing really hard to source in the UK. I found it on eBay but the prices were going to be pretty high so in the end I bought polypropylene webbing from the haberdashery stall on my local market. I bought both the 1" and 2" webbing for a total of £4. 

Foam

• 6” x 24” piece of 1/2” thick high density closed cell foam for hip belt (this foam should feel stiff)
• Sourced from Easy Foam in a custom cut size for £8.70.
• 12” x 24”piece of 1/2” thick high density open cell foam for shoulder pads (this foam should be squishy)
• Bought from my local market in a custom size for £1.11. After cutting what I needed I realised I could have purchased just 10" x 17" since I had quite a bit leftover.

Hardware

• 2 heavy duty 1” side release buckles
• 1 streamline 1” side release buckle
• I decided to just buy 3 identical 1" side release buckles. Purchased a quantity of 6 from eBay for £1.72.
• 1 2” side release dual adjust buckle
• Purchased a pack of 2 from eBay for £2.50.
• 2 sternum strap adjusters with 1” slides and 1” loops
• I couldn't find anywhere in the UK that stocks these, including online retailers who specifically sell gear for making outdoor equipment. These bits are to fix the chest strap onto the shoulder straps and allow you to move the chest strap up and down. Since I'll be the only person using the carrier, I decided to go without this and I just sewed the chest strap into the position I wanted it on the shoulder straps instead of having it be adjustable.
• 2 heavy duty ladder lock buckles
• Purchased a pack of 10 from eBay for £1.08.

Notions

• 16” 1/4” elastic
• I used some 5mm elastic that I already had. Readily available from your local market or John Lewis for around £1 or less, depending on the length you buy.
• 7-9” invisible zipper
• Based on the instructions which say to trim the zip to 7.5", I went for an 8" zip. Again, purchased from my local market for £1.
• 10 snaps (size 16 or 20 will work)
• I bought 11mm snaps (poppers) in a pack of 12 from eBay for £3.49.
• • high quality polyester thread (I like Gutterman polyester thread.)
• Readily available from the market or John Lewis or online for about £1.

Based on the above and including the cost of purchasing the Combined Sweetpod Carrier and Saddlebag pattern, I spent just under £55 on materials. Although this is still fairly expensive, it's a considerable saving on buying a new carrier!

2. A few notes on making the carrier
For the most part I didn't deviate from the instructions which are very thorough. One which I've already mentioned was the chest straps since I didn't purchase strap adjusters. These are my straps - at the moment they slide up and down because I haven't been able to properly fit the carrier (since I'm still pregnant!). Once I've fitted it and determined where they need to be, I'll fix them in position.

The other area where I deviated slightly was the sleeping hood and the sleeping hood pocket. The zip for the sleeping hood pocket is supposed to attach onto the decorative panel without the ends of the zip spilling over onto the canvas (you'll see what I mean when you get there). I think I must have gone slightly wrong on my seam allowances or my cutting but I ended up needing to put in a 7" zip, instead of 7.5". That caused a knock on issue where the hood would always have been rucked when it was pulled out of the pocket since it was designed to pull out of a 7.5" space. I got around the issue after I had made up the hood by putting a couple of small pleats in the hood before attaching it to the inside of the pocket. This makes the neck of the hood just a smidgen smaller so that it fits better as shown here:

And here is the finished article! I'm really excited to try this - now all I need is a 15lb baby. Oh, and to not be pregnant anymore :)

I'd love to hear if any of you have done or are planning to do this project. Happy sewing :)

Two's Company...?

Well it's been a while! Life has moved on and Little Monster is not quite as little (though still a monster). Here he is now in all his cheeky glory. (Can you believe this is the same child I first posted about over

2 years ago?)

Little Monster, hubs and I are embarking on a new adventure in a few weeks when LM becomes a big brother. Yes I'm really excited. :) But I've been here before and there's more than a little apprehension too. So I got to thinking about how to get through the next weeks and months with my sanity intact. I know I'm going to need the friends I made last time and hopefully the new friends I'm making this time. And I hope that they're going to show me support and not judge my choices.

The thing is that sometimes motherhood feels like it has become a competition. It's not so much the mums that tell you their little cherub was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks, crawled at 5 months and was speaking sentences at a year. I know what it is to be so proud of your child that you wish everyone else could see them through your eyes. We've all been there, we're programmed to feel that way. The mums I have trouble understanding are the ones that seem intent on telling you how hard the next part of the journey is going to be or that seem to want to let you know that their journey is harder or even disparage you from the start which unbelievably has happened to a friend recently.

When I was pregnant with Little Monster, people were constantly reminding me to enjoy my last few weeks of freedom and chuckling about how little sleep I was going to get in the near future. Now its "enjoy just having one while you can", "just wait until you've got TWO to deal with" and my personal favourite "make the most of the pregnancy, that's the easy bit!".

You know, becoming a parent is hands down the toughest thing I've ever taken on. Sleep deprivation, frustration, despair, anxiety... All of those things have gone hand in hand with the love, joy, pride, laughter and fun that have coloured my world in the last two years.  I became a parent consciously. Sure, you don't know what specific challenges will come your way but you know it'll be tough, tough enough to feel like you're broken some days. I've been around people who have experienced everything on the scale when it comes to parenting challenges and they get through those times by leaning on the love and support of a great network of people. Whether you have the worst sleeper, a child who is ill or issues with behaviour, everyone needs that support and other parents should be the first in line to listen and empathise and encourage.
This time round hasn't been the most straightforward pregnancy. We've made it to 35 weeks and I'm feeling really positive about that but there are a few hurdles to get over before we know how things will pan out. It's fear and not naivety that are making me impatient for this pregnancy to be over.

When Little Monster's sibling is born, I truly hope that whatever challenges we are thrown, our friends and family are going to help, love and support us.

Does this make me....crunchy?

Remember way back when, at least a year ago now, I said I was going to try my hand at cloth nappies? A year on, I'm really happy to say that I didn't give up. Little Monster has been in cloth for (most of) his 18 months. I really wondered how it would turn out. Would they be less effective? Would I cope with the washing, especially after returning to work? I actually found out that the washing wasn't too bad. Even when I had to send Little Monster to nursery in disposables on nappy wash day, it still meant he was in cloth most of the time. And, for us at least, I found that we had fewer leaks with cloth than we had with disposables - especially in the earlier days before he was on solids. 

When we decided to try cloth it was really to save money and because the pictures of the amount of non-biodegradable landfill from a year's worth of nappies were a little terrifying. I'm not perfect, we still use disposables when we need to, but...eek...it's a scary picture.

Anyway, my U.S. friends have introduced me to the delightful expression 'crunchy'.

Crunchy. Adjective. Used to describe persons who have adjusted or altered their lifestyle for environmental reasons. Crunchy persons tend to be politically strongly left-leaning and may be additionally but not exclusively categorized as vegetarians, vegans, eco-tarians, conservationists, environmentalists, neo-hippies, tree huggers, nature enthusiasts, etc. 

Source: http://www.urbandictionary.coms 

I don't think I could ever be described as politically strongly left-leaning..or vegetarian, vegan or eco-tarian...but I guess I have the odd crunch now and again and, ultimately, I'm a mum, and every penny counts. Which brings me to my latest experiment, homemade washing powder. I've been trying to figure out ways to cut back on our monthly spending recently and I've read really good things about homemade washing powder, especially for a family with a history of skin issues like we have with eczema.

After a lot of reading, I've purchased soda crystals, vegetable soap and borax replacement and produced two tubs of powder. (Really easy - grate soap, mix in the rest of the ingredients, voila!).

 

1kg Soda crystals - £1

1 bar of vegetable soap - 60p

1kg borax substitute - £5.27

Total - £6.87

These ingredients have made enough powder for about 70-75 washes. An example own-brand pack of non-bio washing capsules is £4.80 for 24 washes, so £14.40 for 72 washes. 

So...I guess the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Watch this space! And if you have any other miraculous money saving ideas, let me know!

How children teach adults to speak properly

Over some scrummy coffee and cake yesterday afternoon, the mummies and I got talking about our little people and their sponge-like ability to pick up new information. The perplexing thing is - how do they know, I mean really how do they know to filter out all the good and useful information we're trying to teach them and yet remember every single indiscretion or swear word that we mutter in their presence?

Little Monster is nearly 14 months now. We don't have too many words yet. The odd 'cuddle' has been uttered (how cute a first word is that?). And to my doting parent ears, I'm sure there have been things that have sounded like 'hello' and 'cat' too. Or perhaps that's wishful thinking. But over the last couple of months, it's become clear that Little Monster understands quite a lot more than he's previously let on and I swear he pretends not to understand at his convenience. One of the things that has given away his level of understanding is his new favourite activity - pointing. I'm pretty sure that pointing is the pre-talking version of 'what's that? And that? Why does it do that? Why?'. Oh joy.

The problem is, you never quite realise your child's level of cognitive development until they demonstrate it - usually at the most socially awkward juncture (do they do that on purpose too?). Little Monster has a cool set of bath toys that are like little octopuses which suck up water and let you squirt it out. A few months ago it seemed amusing when we nicknamed the little blue octopus Blueberry Fart. Now that Little Monster's pointing skills have developed and he points to the toy in response to us saying Blueberry Fart, it suddenly seems like a really, really bad idea.

Still, I'm learning my lesson early. If Little Monster says 'fart' at nursery, it'll probably get a few chuckles. If he says some other f-words, they might be somewhat less amused and I will be somewhat more mortified. Perhaps we'll stick with pointing for a while...I think the whole talking thing could be overrated.

On the move...

In my (short) journey into parenthood so far I'm learning that it's a series of challenges and difficult decisions. There's a whole lot of great and rewarding...but it's definitely challenging. One of the early challenges was figuring out how to teach Little Monster how to sleep without either him or us getting too upset. It was painful at the time but we got over that challenge and, like most things, it doesn't seem half as bad looking back on it.

More recently, we decided we needed to address Little Monster's lack of movement. At a year old, it had reached the point where we were pretty sure that he could move if he chose to, it was more a case of motivation. The worst part was, we felt like we were the cause of the problem. From an early age, he loved being walked around holding onto our hands and we did it so much that I think he just thought that that was normal. Who would want to learn to move around at floor level when Mummy and Daddy will walk you around on your feet?

So a few weeks ago, we decided to force the issue and started refusing to walk him around whenever he cried. Now that I'm back at work, the weekends are even more precious and it was pretty horrible for all of us sitting with a screaming child. We tried putting objects on the floor out of reach, we tried encouragement, we tried leaving the room. In the end, the clincher was a killer combo of two iPhones and a remote control. So if anyone's wondering, that's you get a baby to crawl.

A couple of weeks on, he has pretty much perfected his slithery commando crawl and will now travel about pretty happily. He's even working on pulling himself up at nursery. Here's a slightly fuzzy pic of the man in action at nursery.

One

My sweet baby.

It's not often I'm lost for words. But somehow, today, it's so hard to tell you what this year has been, what it's meant and how I'm grateful every day for the gift of you.

This blog was about you, about us, about our journey. When I started it we had only just met and you were tiny and wrinkly and new. I didn't know how to be a mother and you didn't know how to be a son. Now, on the eve of the day that we celebrate your first birthday, I can't help thinking back through those months.

Those first few months were so hard. Every day I thought I was doing it wrong and that it would never get easier. Gradually I learnt that I could leave the house, I would sleep again and you would go longer than 2 hours without a feed eventually. I remember lovely spring days with you in the sling, walking up to the woods. I walked through the bluebells and wondered when you'd be old enough to appreciate them. I remember how you loved the baby massage classes and started to lift your head and shoulders off the floor.

At 6 months we went on your first seaside holiday, to visit Granny and Grandad in Devon. You had such a wonderful time and I'll never forget how you stood bravely in the waves, excited to see and smell and touch. One day soon, we'll be back there laughing as you chase seagulls along the shore.

Now, at a year, you are still making me smile every day as you learn new things. You're just starting to move by yourself and I've no doubt you'll soon discover just how much freedom you could have.

From the very first day we met, you showed the world how chilled out you could be. You watched everything and took it all in. You've always liked to see how things work and you test the boundaries in every sense. Every day, your personality shines through just a bit more and I can't wait to know the person that you become.

Happy birthday, my sweet baby. I hope you learn and grow every year as much as you have this year. I hope every year brings you new experiences. And I hope every year, you know how much we love you. X

Peanut butter turns me to jelly

Having taken the perilous step into motherhood, I am, clearly, now a bona fide super-heroine. I find it somewhat surprising, in fact, that the hideous paper disposable briefs that women supposedly wear during labour have not long since been discarded in favour of scarlet or black Lycra versions. Hospital gowns should be replaced with capes (it's not like the gowns preserve our dignity anyway) and eye masks should...well perhaps I'm getting a bit carried away.

The point is, overnight you turn into this person who is somehow supposed to know all the answers, to know how to parent, to keep on top of a child's development. I honestly have no idea how mothers maintained the super-heroine illusion in the pre-Google world. If you're anything like me, you read books, stalk forums and obsessively sign up to parenting emails. You know the ones - they tell you what your baby is going to start doing each month, turn you into some crazy person watching to see if they do it and then make you go a bit nuts worrying over whether they've technically missed a 'milestone'.

I have done more than my fair share of worrying. Remember how I worried about Little Monster's eating? Yeah, he's pretty much a walking dustbin since he started going to nursery. My more recent worrying has been focussed on Little Monster's movement, or lack thereof. He'll be a year on Wednesday and as I watched the last few months go by, he watched me from the same spot on the floor. The only change was that his expression became more reproachful that I had the nerve to leave him there. This week it's been all change in Little Monster's world. He started pulling himself up at nursery and doing a sort of commando crawl. He's also getting much more confident in taking a few steps by himself. Any sane person, (anyone except his mother, that is), can probably see that there is clearly nothing wrong with his motor development.

See what I mean?

All of this is actually a roundabout way of saying that I'm very grateful to have hubs here to keep me on the straight and narrow. He can see what my mother's eyes can't and he tosses out the books and the forums and the emails in favour of good old intuition. When I arrived home the other day to find hubs feeding my nearly 1 yr old son peanut butter for the first time, my first instinct was run around the kitchen waving my arms in panic about some kind of nut allergy. In fact, just like his motor skills, Little Monster was taking it all in his stride. Just goes to show, I'm not a super-heroine after all. But if I keep wearing my mask, maybe, just maybe, noone except hubs will notice.

The Next Step

Almost exactly a year ago, I was clearing out my desk at work. I was huge and I waddled. I had hopes and dreams and thoughts that kept me awake at night and I had no idea what this next step on my journey was really going to be like. I started this blog to keep me sane through the difficult times and to document my ups and downs and trials of parenthood. The blog has really become more than that for me, but that's a story for another day.

Today I walked the 1.5 miles into my nearest town with Little Monster. It's something I've done several times a week for the last 10 months. It's become a routine that symbolises this first year with him; he babbles and chatters or snoozes his way through the ride and I take my time, do a little soul searching, listen to an audiobook, plan my day. Along the way, I'll probably pull faces at him to make him giggle, stop several times to adjust his socks, his hat, pick up a discarded toy. When we get to town, we normally find our way to the post office where the two wonderfully fabulous men behind the counter have a quick chat with Little Monster which involves street style chest thumping and hand signals which perhaps mean more to Little Monster than they do to me. We might have a coffee and Little Monster will snack on dried apricots and mini rice cakes while he's charming the pants off the other residents of the cafe and I steal a sneaky 5 minutes of down time. We'll wander home again, Little Monster a new person from getting out of the house and me feeling virtuous from my 3 mile walk.

It's a routine I've come to love and yet I never thought I would. For the first 6 weeks, even making it out of the house was some kind of Herculean task. Making it out of the house to be somewhere on time was nigh on impossible. And, like all things, now that I'm faced with the thought of giving it up, I know it's something I'm going to miss terribly.

A year seemed an absolute lifetime at the start. Sometimes I wondered how I'd even survive it. But now, as it's coming to an end, I feel sad. Little Monster and I have come such a long way this year. It has been both the best and worst year of my life rolled into one. He and I have grown and learned and changed and got to know each other. Sometimes I think I've grown and changed almost as much as he has. We've got through learning to sleep, learning to eat solid food, trips to hospital for him and for me, trying to walk, figuring out that construction is (nearly) as much fun as destruction, first paddles in the sea, first tastes of cake and so many other firsts that I can't count them.

I know that returning  to work is the right thing for me and I hope that nursery will be the right thing for Little Monster. We've survived the first step. I can't wait for the next one.

Skin and Bones

A couple of conversations with different people lately have left me thinking about family, what it means to be family, how to make and keep those strong, lifelong relationships of love and trust and honesty.

I think my whirlpool of thoughts stem from Little Monster, as they often do. I got to thinking about my blood relationships. What's great about them? What do I want to change? How do I nurture my relationship with Little Monster so that we can love and trust and be honest with each other into adulthood?

That last one is a really hard question. I'm lucky with my blood family. I have strong and loving relationships with them. That's not to say everything about our relationships is always perfect but there are many people out there who constantly struggle to have positive relationships with parents, siblings, extended family. I think there are a lot of reasons for it. Oftentimes, people are just different. They grate against each other and, with all the will in the world, they struggle to find common ground. Other times I think there's such a weight of expectation of what your family should be that it stops people from appreciating what they are.

For most of my adult life, for a number of reasons, I've been a big believer that families can be made, not just born and constructed from the same DNA. There is an urban term 'skin and bones' which refers to when your friends become your family. Some of the people I've met along the way fall in to that category. Some of them have been around most of my life. Some of them I've just met in the last few years. Some of them I've only ever met virtually. All of them are family to me because of what they are and what they mean. They are family because they don't judge me for what I tell them and they're family because I know they'll be there, physically or otherwise, no matter what happens. One of those family recently told me that a friend she met online is going to live with her. The circumstances that led to that inspire me on many levels and just make me believe more firmly in building family. Isn't the greatest accolade to choose someone to be family?

To build that kind of relationship with Little Monster, I know that I'm probably going to have to work harder at it than a lot of people. I'm not naturally open. I tend to keep things internalised, at least until I've resolved them. And there's a reasonable chance that Little Monster will inherit that from me, so I'll have to work doubly hard. But I know that I want to offer him that kind of relationship with me. If families are chosen and not born, I want him to choose me one day.

A Change of Scenery

This post is nothing more than a blatant excuse to share some gorgeous pictures of Little Monster. We bought him a fleecey snowsuit so that we could keep him warm when we go walking with him in the backpack. Last weekend we really needed to clean out the gutters (in a been-putting-it-off-for-months kind of way) and we were a bit worried about getting it done whilst looking after Little Monster. It turns out, though, that a change of scenery was all he needed to keep him pretty content for half an hour and he sat here outside on a rug and played with his toys. Here's the little guy in all his gorgeousness.

A Merry Christmas on a Budget

One minor downside of a February baby is that, by their first Christmas, the statutory maternity pay has stopped. You're living on one (or no) income and trying to figure out how on earth you can pay the bills, let alone give your new bundle of joy their first Christmas in the way you'd like. I've thought long and hard about this. Here are my ideas on how to keep costs sensible and still enjoy a very Merry Christmas.

1. Don't go overboard. While I can't wait for Little Monster to be old enough to love the magic of Christmas and Christmas presents, in reality he's not there yet. He'll be 11 months old and more than happy to watch sparkly lights and play with boxes. Of course we're getting him some presents. But there'll be a few wrapped empty boxes too, because I know he'll love it. I know that we don't need to go mad on presents for him to have a great day.
2. Smart shopping. If you're prepared to do a little leg work on the interweb first, you can't probably find your gifts for significantly less than if you buy them in the first shop you see. Sign up to the daily deals websites like Zulily and you might be able to find what you're looking for at a significant discount.
3. Secret Santa! It's lovely to have met so many great new people since Little Monster was born but buying Christmas (and birthday) presents for so many little people can really add up. A group of us have decided to do a secret santa scheme for all of the 1st birthdays so that we're not all buying loads of presents and you could do the same for Christmas if you're exchanging gifts with friends.
4. Make It! It's not everyone's cup of tea but I've met a lot of very creative mums out there. Put your creative skills to the test and knit, crochet, sew, cut, stick and bake your way through your Christmas list. Handmade presents can be lovely and unique and they don't have to cost the earth.
5. Buy handmade... Not everyone can make their own gifts but you can buy handmade gifts and they are often great value. Little Monster is now the proud owner of a lovely personalised stocking from this Etsy store. Etsy is a great place to find something a bit different for those difficult-to-buy-for people too.
6. Something old, something new? I have to confess that I buy most of Little Monster's clothes second hand and I decided to buy some small Christmas gifts for him second hand too. The thing is, clothes and toys are grown out of so quickly that you can buy them like new and Little Monster will probably only use them for a few months! I stumbled on a great second hand kids clothes and toys stall at the market where I picked up a couple of small presents.

I'm sure there are other ideas out there and I'd love to hear yours. How do you keep costs down at Christmas?

Backward is the way forward

I don't remember who or what first pointed me in the direction of Extended Rear Facing (ERF) car seats. It's not the most exciting topic for today's blog post but it's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. (Such is the fast paced excitement of my life).

Car seats are a slightly controversial topic because it involves safety and noone likes to have their choices questionned. Every parent wants to pick the best and safest options for their child and I'm not here to judge anyone for those choices. One major issue in choosing to go with an ERF seat in the UK is that they are priced from £200-400! Conversely, you can pick up a fully compliant forward facing car seat for £60-£100. Annoyingly, if you buy an equivalent ERF seat in the US, they are similar prices to our forward facing seats. It seems fundamentally wrong that a type of seat which is proven to reduce road deaths should be priced at a point which is unattainable for a large number of parents. Sometime, someday, somehow, it would be great to see a change in the UK legislation on rear facing car seats which would help to reduce the prices but for now, I just want to help raise awareness.

So here's the facts: The law in the UK is that babies must use a rear facing car seat until they are 9 months old or weigh 9 kgs. In Scandanavia and, more recently, some US states, it is now standard for children to stay rear-facing until they are much older (as late as 4-5 yrs in some cases). The reason is simply that, in a frontal collision, a child is five times safer in a rear facing seat. Children are still growing and developing and the force of an impact affects them in a different way to an adult - a rear facing seat cushions those forces and they are proven to reduce child deaths.

If you can afford to consider the ERF seat option and want more information, take a look at www.rearfacing.co.uk which has all of the background and also a list of UK stockists (sadly few and far between). And whether you're going for forward or rear facing, we had a really great experience with www.incarsafetycentre.co.uk, based in Milton Keynes. They have a large range of all car seats and will spend a lot of time with you to work out the best option to fit your car.

Safe and happy driving x

Mama

When did the little newborn that I brought home those months ago get so big? When did he find time to outgrow five lots of clothing? And learn to roll? And sit up? And eat? Every day Little Monster makes me smile with some new trick, whether it's a new sound or a new way to play with a toy. It never fails to amaze me how much he manages to cram into a day.

This weekend has been a weekend of change in Little Monster's world. He has migrated to a new car seat. He's going in an Extended Rear Facing (ERF) seat which can theoretically carry him up to around 6 years old. Whether we all survive that long with him rear facing is another discussion...but we're happy this is the safest option for him long term. If you're in the market to upgrade your baby's seat and want to know about ERF seats, there's some great information at http://www.rearfacing.co.uk.

Little Monster also cried for solid food for the first time. I thought he had cried for solids a week or so ago but wasn't sure. Today was the first day that he's rejected a bottle in favour of food when he was hungry. This is really scary. I find it so hard to fit meals in...the eating of them, let alone the preparing...and to find a repetoire of things that he can eat. I guess I'm going to have to spend a lot more time figuring it out! Here's the little guy trying to get my phone when he should be eating:

Lastly, and most significantly in my little world, Little Monster said mama for the first time. I don't think he knows mama is me...but he's made such big changes in his speech recently, I can't wait for the first real word to pop out!

It's strange to feel melancholy at only 8 months in, wondering where your baby went. But I guess the thing is, he's not so much a baby anymore. And that's exciting and sad all at the same time.

Weaning Worries

One thing I've realised so far about being a parent is that it never seems to be the things that you thought would worry you...that worry you. I'm fairly laid back about baby milestones in general. I don't get all angsty that my baby hasn't fully learnt to sit yet or isn't crawling when younger babies than him are already finding their way. I figure he's working on other stuff and as long as he is heading in the right direction, it doesn't matter if it takes him a few weeks longer. The thing that has got me all on edge is weaning, and I really never thought it would.

I started offering Little Monster some basic foods when he was about 5.5 months. I decided a long time ago that we were going to follow a baby led weaning approach so I offer the normal food we eat, perhaps cut into pieces he can pick up, rather than giving him purees. I like the approach. It requires less preparation - which is great in our house as there's really nowhere in the kitchen that I can have Little Monster with me so once he is crawling, I need to spend the minimum amount of time away from him! It also means that the baby can feed themselves from the start so that you can all eat together, rather than spending ages spoon-feeding the baby and then having to entertain them while you eat your (now cold) dinner. I'm not going to preach the numerous and varied studies on this subject but suffice to say it is interesting and has great foundations.

The problem is that Little Monster is now 7 months old and he still eats very little food. He is good with bread-type foods that turn to mush in his mouth but anything that requires him to bite or chew (including, to increase my worry levels) most fruits and vegetables. Don't get me wrong, we have made some progress. In the first few weeks he didn't swallow anything and most times wouldn't pick food up from the mat and put it in his mouth. He is now doing both of these things which are significant skill developments.

But still I worry.

I worry that he's going to be a fussy eater and refuse anything but bread! I know that's a little irrational at this stage but it's so disheartening when I see his peers all happily munching away. I think the worst bit is that it's so hard to know when you should be worried. Now? At 9 months? 10? A year?

I know that, for right now, all I can do is persevere. I have to offer a variety of food every day, even if it all goes on the floor.

And, until he's eating other foods consistently, he's definitely not having cake.  Which is more for me.